Three nights ago I cried myself to sleep.This happens only on two rare occasions. One is if I am reading a terribly sad book, which was not the case this time since I was in the middle of reading Condi: The Condolezza Rice Story and there is nothing remotely sad about that book. If anything, I was deeply amused by the fact that her mother, herself the product of a southern State of America that had been one of the most prejudiced ones against the Black community, reminded me of every single Indian mother I know, me included. The way she pushed her to excel and be 'twice as good' is a mirror of the way most middle class Indians, no matter where they may be in the world, push their kids, with shades of Amy Chua, of the Tiger Mother fame thrown in for good measure! There is no doubt about it, strong women raise even stronger girls...
The other far more devastating event that makes me weep buckets is when a young child or children lose their mother and if I know them personally it is a thousand times worse. At such times my God given gift of complete empathy becomes a curse and I am left completely ravaged.
She and I could have been two sides of a similar coin. Not in our outlook or in our attitude towards life, not at all, but in the circumstances of our lives. We were the Golden Girls of the late nineties and the early two thousands. Daughters of fathers who were class one officers in government establishments, brought up as 'privileged' children. Our parents may not have had too much cash to throw around, typical of government employees of those days, but we enjoyed the perks that came with our Dads' jobs. We had smart, sophisticated mothers, we had attended English medium schools, we had the choice to do what we wanted with our lives and the fact that we could chart our own course in life were all part of the super deal meted out to us.
Then we got married and our husbands actually earned in American Dollars - the most coveted currency in the world! While most Indians we knew then did not even have passports, both she and I had already seen a fair bit of the world, courtesy of our husbands' jobs. We were the Queens of their hearts, the guardians of their heavy wallets. Life couldn't get any better, right? Wrong! It could and it did. We popped out perfect little baby girls within two months of each other and soon had a baby boy each, she a couple of years before I did.
Our pretty little ladies were growing up, as were our rambunctious little boys. They played together and since we always happened to be in India during her kids' birthdays, they attended the most glorious of birthday parties where she served exotic food and imported chocolates,even joining in in their party games and from where my children had to be dragged home...In my daughter's words, "She was a chilled out Mom"
We were the new breed of upper middle class Indian women. Educated, rich, articulate and opinionated and not afraid to express those opinions. When we spoke, people listened. Together we took up many pressing issues that our housing society had faced a few years ago, we strove to make a difference and we did! She chose to focus on home and hearth since her husband's job kept him away from India most of the time. I chose to work part time and we both kept upgrading our educational qualifications, never content to rest on past laurels.
Life, we thought, was great. We had it made.We would watch our smart and beautiful daughters get Ivy League educations (or their Indian equivalents!), start earning their own living and become glamorous brides one day. We would even throw them a big fat Indian wedding! Our sons, we hoped, would pull their socks up soon and get an education! And then, hopefully, there would still be girls left in India to come as brides into our homes and we would never, ever, pressurise those girls to have sons! Our paths seemed crystal clear.
Then reality struck. She was diagnosed with cancer a year ago. Still she fought back and fought with a vengeance. Since her husband was still away a lot this brave lady managed her chemo therapy on her own while her mother took care of her kids. Her in laws, like mine, had passed away a few years ago. My son remembers her at his friend's birthday party last July."She was laughing, Mom, and clicking lots of pictures of us." Yes she was recording, what would be the last birthday of her son's that she would attend, for posterity. A picture of beautifully lit lamps on her face book page stand testimony to the enthusiasm and the indomitable spirit with which she celebrated her last Diwali, despite the disease wrecking havoc within her.
Today she is gone. A life where she had so much to look forward to has been brutally cut short. Her just into his teens son and soon to finish teens daughter are left asking "Why? Why us? Why our Mom?" Her beautiful garden is a mute witness to her green fingers. Her face book page showcases her skill with the camera. There is no solace for her bereft family and her daughter says "She is an angel in heaven and she will guide me from there when and if I ever begin to stray."
My son unknowingly echoed the same thought when my tears refused to stem the day I got the news of this tragedy. He philosophically told me " Now she will be focused only on her children and will watch over them and take care of them from heaven." When did he get so wise?
Today is International Women's Day. Let it be a reality check and a wake up call for all of us.Get up, get out and exercise, eat as healthy as you can, get those annual check ups done. You owe it to your children and to yourself too. Learn that new skill , that new craft, language or sport that you always wanted to, but haven't so far.
I am sure my friend did all these things and may be more. The biggest reality check is that life is not perfect and there can be new twists when you least expect them. So live it to the fullest with your children till they leave your nest. Who knows how much time God has granted each one of us? Who knows if tomorrow will come?
I cannot blithely say 'Rest in peace'. A mother's soul can rest only when her children no longer have need of her.
The other far more devastating event that makes me weep buckets is when a young child or children lose their mother and if I know them personally it is a thousand times worse. At such times my God given gift of complete empathy becomes a curse and I am left completely ravaged.
She and I could have been two sides of a similar coin. Not in our outlook or in our attitude towards life, not at all, but in the circumstances of our lives. We were the Golden Girls of the late nineties and the early two thousands. Daughters of fathers who were class one officers in government establishments, brought up as 'privileged' children. Our parents may not have had too much cash to throw around, typical of government employees of those days, but we enjoyed the perks that came with our Dads' jobs. We had smart, sophisticated mothers, we had attended English medium schools, we had the choice to do what we wanted with our lives and the fact that we could chart our own course in life were all part of the super deal meted out to us.
Then we got married and our husbands actually earned in American Dollars - the most coveted currency in the world! While most Indians we knew then did not even have passports, both she and I had already seen a fair bit of the world, courtesy of our husbands' jobs. We were the Queens of their hearts, the guardians of their heavy wallets. Life couldn't get any better, right? Wrong! It could and it did. We popped out perfect little baby girls within two months of each other and soon had a baby boy each, she a couple of years before I did.
Our pretty little ladies were growing up, as were our rambunctious little boys. They played together and since we always happened to be in India during her kids' birthdays, they attended the most glorious of birthday parties where she served exotic food and imported chocolates,even joining in in their party games and from where my children had to be dragged home...In my daughter's words, "She was a chilled out Mom"
We were the new breed of upper middle class Indian women. Educated, rich, articulate and opinionated and not afraid to express those opinions. When we spoke, people listened. Together we took up many pressing issues that our housing society had faced a few years ago, we strove to make a difference and we did! She chose to focus on home and hearth since her husband's job kept him away from India most of the time. I chose to work part time and we both kept upgrading our educational qualifications, never content to rest on past laurels.
Life, we thought, was great. We had it made.We would watch our smart and beautiful daughters get Ivy League educations (or their Indian equivalents!), start earning their own living and become glamorous brides one day. We would even throw them a big fat Indian wedding! Our sons, we hoped, would pull their socks up soon and get an education! And then, hopefully, there would still be girls left in India to come as brides into our homes and we would never, ever, pressurise those girls to have sons! Our paths seemed crystal clear.
Then reality struck. She was diagnosed with cancer a year ago. Still she fought back and fought with a vengeance. Since her husband was still away a lot this brave lady managed her chemo therapy on her own while her mother took care of her kids. Her in laws, like mine, had passed away a few years ago. My son remembers her at his friend's birthday party last July."She was laughing, Mom, and clicking lots of pictures of us." Yes she was recording, what would be the last birthday of her son's that she would attend, for posterity. A picture of beautifully lit lamps on her face book page stand testimony to the enthusiasm and the indomitable spirit with which she celebrated her last Diwali, despite the disease wrecking havoc within her.
Today she is gone. A life where she had so much to look forward to has been brutally cut short. Her just into his teens son and soon to finish teens daughter are left asking "Why? Why us? Why our Mom?" Her beautiful garden is a mute witness to her green fingers. Her face book page showcases her skill with the camera. There is no solace for her bereft family and her daughter says "She is an angel in heaven and she will guide me from there when and if I ever begin to stray."
My son unknowingly echoed the same thought when my tears refused to stem the day I got the news of this tragedy. He philosophically told me " Now she will be focused only on her children and will watch over them and take care of them from heaven." When did he get so wise?
Today is International Women's Day. Let it be a reality check and a wake up call for all of us.Get up, get out and exercise, eat as healthy as you can, get those annual check ups done. You owe it to your children and to yourself too. Learn that new skill , that new craft, language or sport that you always wanted to, but haven't so far.
I am sure my friend did all these things and may be more. The biggest reality check is that life is not perfect and there can be new twists when you least expect them. So live it to the fullest with your children till they leave your nest. Who knows how much time God has granted each one of us? Who knows if tomorrow will come?
I cannot blithely say 'Rest in peace'. A mother's soul can rest only when her children no longer have need of her.
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