Today it's been four whole months since my Dad passed away and much water has flowed under the bridges spanning the Mula-Mutha rivers in my hometown Pune, the Athi river here in Kenya and the Thames too...We have taken many flights back and forth in the past few months, all of which would have left my Dad with his heart in his mouth, even as he would have assiduously tracked the flights on his phone Flight Aap, from take off to landing... Those who knew him, know well his absolute terror of flying, fueled by a couple of Air Force crashes he had witnessed and some near escapes he had had, during his tenure in Leh Ladakh, in Jammu and Kashmir, in his early army days.
Hard and hectic as these last few months have been (it is not easy to wind up your parents' whole house almost single handedly, lock up your own house, teach students who are ALWAYS appearing for exams, shop for a wedding it was imperative to attend, and finish a hundred and one legal and other formalities death invariably brings in its wake, pun unintended), they have taught me a lot about what those living need to do to make life slightly easier for those left behind. Trust me, no banks or municipal corporation offices in India make anything smooth for you, so 'Be Prepared' has to be the motto.
Health : This is the number one piece of advice I have for ageing parents. Parents need to take great care of themselves, exercise as per your doctor's advice, keep a strict check on your diet and GO for regular checks ups and other tests as advised by your doctor... This is one area where my Dad and I invariably clashed, with me pushing him for annual tests and him backing away from them like those needles were plague infected...Since he had been on blood thinners for more than a decade due to Deep Vein Thrombosis (DVT), it was even more imperative for him to get tested regularly. I ended up in Pune in January 2018, (not a time for my regular annual visit) on my way back from a wedding in Assam, took one look at his condition, screamed blue murder (backed by a dear cousin of his who had come to see me), with the result that he finally had the grace to call his technician home for tests. Shortly after the results were out, he was admitted to hospital for more than two weeks, to take care of multiple issues that showed up...but he made it home and that visit of mine bought him the extra year and a half, until May 2019.
So if you have a parent who fears hospitals and tests (and many folks shared this with me later, saying it is usually the Dads who refuse to go anywhere near a doctor), do not be an ostrich and bury your head in the sand but be eagle eyed where your parents are concerned. I'm currently engaged in pushing my Mom to walk regularly and have already succeeded in improving her sleep wake pattern..
Nominations: If both your parents are living, remind them to check that every bank account, every fixed deposit and every insurance policy has the partner's nomination. Our bank in India messed up the nomination for my Dad's Indian Army pension account , probably failing to carry it forward when banking software systems changed, as that account was twenty two years old... This meant that my Mom could not access the money until my sister and I had made a legal affidavit, stating we had no objection to her getting the money and she having to declare that she was his legal heir...Imagine how hard it would be for those who did not have any money, besides the amount in the pension or other affected accounts or even worse had children who refused to sign off what legally belonged to the surviving parent....So, everyone, check all nominations NOW, do not assume that the bank or insurance company has followed through...
Old Vehicles: This one is a request to all senior parents. If you have really ancient vehicles, please make arrangements to dispose them of NOW. Your heirs cannot even scrap a vehicle unless all documents are in order and with so many of us living outside the country, it becomes doubly hard. My Dad had stopped driving his fifteen year old car a few years ago, due to his DVT issues, but refused to sell it off and switch over to an automatic car. The only good thing was that he had got all the checks done and it had been cleared for the next five years, as per India's environmental law and the insurance was up to date. But we had to transfer it to my Mom's name first, for which an affidavit had to be made by her from a government E Service Centre (my husband went with her for this one and it took nearly all day!) and we, as the heirs had to make another affidavit, declaring we had no objection to the car being put on her name....And then the entire formality of actually selling it but here dear friends came to our aid, and made sure it was handed over to the new owner only after all legalities were completed, as we were in the country for a very limited amount of time....So my advice? If your heirs don't want the vehicles or do not need them and you are not driving anymore, SELL them and down load the Uber app...
After Death Rites: Put this down on paper. What do you want done after your death? While my sister and I were completely in agreement with whatever our mother wanted to do, objection came from unexpected quarters...I took the decision to donate my Dad's eyes as he had always helped my mother and me in our endeavours to record text books for blind students, ( nearly two decades ago, long before the currently read aloud software was introduced) and everyone was happy that two people would get to see the world... My Mother decided to donate his body to the Armed Forces Medical College to help medical college students. My parents had decided to attend my daughter's graduation from medical college a few years from now, notwithstanding my Dad's fear of flying... Now this would remain only a dream...While my daughter was thrilled with the decision to donate his body, my fifteen year old son wanted to go the more traditional cremation route...Then my mother wanted some religious ceremonies and after death rituals, as these do help to attain closure and give everyone a chance to pray for salvation of the departed soul. Both my children objected vehemently, my daughter because she felt my Dad was not a big believer in traditional rites and rituals and my son because he felt if she had not gone the traditional way after his death, why now?
Finally I had to intervene and say that since we had already signed a hundred affidavits about who his next of kin and legal heir was, it was that person's prerogative to decide what to do after her husband's death...So, I suggest put it down in black and white, grandchildren are very opinionated these days!
Death Comes As The End...BUT Does NOT Exempt You From Income Tax: The government must and does take away its pound of flesh even after you are gone...So for honest, income tax paying entities like us, it is imperative to leave enough money in your account, (which your Next Of Kin have access to), for the tax for the previous financial year...In our case, the money was not an issue but yet ANOTHER affidavit was required to be notarized and submitted to the Income Tax Department by my mother, seeking permission to file returns and pay tax on my Dad's behalf...A good Chartered Accountant is essential here, as he was the one who prepared this particular piece of document and my friendly neighbourhood notary, whom I have done business with for the last fifteen years, quickly notarized it...Only then could my Mom go ahead and pay the tax and file returns. This was pending, as my Dad had got hospitalized on the first day of the new financial year in India and so obviously had been in no condition to pay his tax, like every year...
Declutter: I had written a blog post about this very topic after we had moved into our current house in Nairobi titled Knick Knack Paddy Whack, Who Gives A Bone? I spent a lot of time simply decluttering my parents' house...It is very hard to get rid of stuff in India as the Garbage collection ladies only take limited amounts of garbage out each day...I had to pay a lot of extra money to persuade them that this was a one off and they should cart away whatever we were throwing out, so that it could go for recycling. DO NOT trash your own house in order to save the environment, instead use cloth bags and sign up for soft copies of bills and other monthly documents and donate or sell things you do not need. It seems once your kids leave home, things just have a habit of piling up, regardless of whether you need them or not... Do not let this happen to you, I started my own declutter process more than a decade ago and it is never too early to start. Also do label all important documents and files clearly and boldly. Though my sister and I eventually found everything we needed, it took really long to go through ancient, dusty files. The next generation will be even more short of time than we are and honestly probably short of the patience too, which is truly required to do all this. It is not easy to make ten trips to the concerned office to accomplish one task...
A dear friend's daughter (and a student of mine) pointed out to her mother that in managing all this and wrapping up things before leaving for Nairobi, where was the time to grieve? That is so true...Death ensures one goes on auto pilot until everything that needs to be done has been done...my Dad was a fellow Capricorn, he would have understood...and would have been the first to share this post on FaceBook for his fellow ex army officers and other friends to learn from!
Armed Forces Medical College Anatomy Dept, where we said our final goodbye...
Hard and hectic as these last few months have been (it is not easy to wind up your parents' whole house almost single handedly, lock up your own house, teach students who are ALWAYS appearing for exams, shop for a wedding it was imperative to attend, and finish a hundred and one legal and other formalities death invariably brings in its wake, pun unintended), they have taught me a lot about what those living need to do to make life slightly easier for those left behind. Trust me, no banks or municipal corporation offices in India make anything smooth for you, so 'Be Prepared' has to be the motto.
Health : This is the number one piece of advice I have for ageing parents. Parents need to take great care of themselves, exercise as per your doctor's advice, keep a strict check on your diet and GO for regular checks ups and other tests as advised by your doctor... This is one area where my Dad and I invariably clashed, with me pushing him for annual tests and him backing away from them like those needles were plague infected...Since he had been on blood thinners for more than a decade due to Deep Vein Thrombosis (DVT), it was even more imperative for him to get tested regularly. I ended up in Pune in January 2018, (not a time for my regular annual visit) on my way back from a wedding in Assam, took one look at his condition, screamed blue murder (backed by a dear cousin of his who had come to see me), with the result that he finally had the grace to call his technician home for tests. Shortly after the results were out, he was admitted to hospital for more than two weeks, to take care of multiple issues that showed up...but he made it home and that visit of mine bought him the extra year and a half, until May 2019.
So if you have a parent who fears hospitals and tests (and many folks shared this with me later, saying it is usually the Dads who refuse to go anywhere near a doctor), do not be an ostrich and bury your head in the sand but be eagle eyed where your parents are concerned. I'm currently engaged in pushing my Mom to walk regularly and have already succeeded in improving her sleep wake pattern..
Nominations: If both your parents are living, remind them to check that every bank account, every fixed deposit and every insurance policy has the partner's nomination. Our bank in India messed up the nomination for my Dad's Indian Army pension account , probably failing to carry it forward when banking software systems changed, as that account was twenty two years old... This meant that my Mom could not access the money until my sister and I had made a legal affidavit, stating we had no objection to her getting the money and she having to declare that she was his legal heir...Imagine how hard it would be for those who did not have any money, besides the amount in the pension or other affected accounts or even worse had children who refused to sign off what legally belonged to the surviving parent....So, everyone, check all nominations NOW, do not assume that the bank or insurance company has followed through...
Old Vehicles: This one is a request to all senior parents. If you have really ancient vehicles, please make arrangements to dispose them of NOW. Your heirs cannot even scrap a vehicle unless all documents are in order and with so many of us living outside the country, it becomes doubly hard. My Dad had stopped driving his fifteen year old car a few years ago, due to his DVT issues, but refused to sell it off and switch over to an automatic car. The only good thing was that he had got all the checks done and it had been cleared for the next five years, as per India's environmental law and the insurance was up to date. But we had to transfer it to my Mom's name first, for which an affidavit had to be made by her from a government E Service Centre (my husband went with her for this one and it took nearly all day!) and we, as the heirs had to make another affidavit, declaring we had no objection to the car being put on her name....And then the entire formality of actually selling it but here dear friends came to our aid, and made sure it was handed over to the new owner only after all legalities were completed, as we were in the country for a very limited amount of time....So my advice? If your heirs don't want the vehicles or do not need them and you are not driving anymore, SELL them and down load the Uber app...
After Death Rites: Put this down on paper. What do you want done after your death? While my sister and I were completely in agreement with whatever our mother wanted to do, objection came from unexpected quarters...I took the decision to donate my Dad's eyes as he had always helped my mother and me in our endeavours to record text books for blind students, ( nearly two decades ago, long before the currently read aloud software was introduced) and everyone was happy that two people would get to see the world... My Mother decided to donate his body to the Armed Forces Medical College to help medical college students. My parents had decided to attend my daughter's graduation from medical college a few years from now, notwithstanding my Dad's fear of flying... Now this would remain only a dream...While my daughter was thrilled with the decision to donate his body, my fifteen year old son wanted to go the more traditional cremation route...Then my mother wanted some religious ceremonies and after death rituals, as these do help to attain closure and give everyone a chance to pray for salvation of the departed soul. Both my children objected vehemently, my daughter because she felt my Dad was not a big believer in traditional rites and rituals and my son because he felt if she had not gone the traditional way after his death, why now?
Finally I had to intervene and say that since we had already signed a hundred affidavits about who his next of kin and legal heir was, it was that person's prerogative to decide what to do after her husband's death...So, I suggest put it down in black and white, grandchildren are very opinionated these days!
Death Comes As The End...BUT Does NOT Exempt You From Income Tax: The government must and does take away its pound of flesh even after you are gone...So for honest, income tax paying entities like us, it is imperative to leave enough money in your account, (which your Next Of Kin have access to), for the tax for the previous financial year...In our case, the money was not an issue but yet ANOTHER affidavit was required to be notarized and submitted to the Income Tax Department by my mother, seeking permission to file returns and pay tax on my Dad's behalf...A good Chartered Accountant is essential here, as he was the one who prepared this particular piece of document and my friendly neighbourhood notary, whom I have done business with for the last fifteen years, quickly notarized it...Only then could my Mom go ahead and pay the tax and file returns. This was pending, as my Dad had got hospitalized on the first day of the new financial year in India and so obviously had been in no condition to pay his tax, like every year...
Declutter: I had written a blog post about this very topic after we had moved into our current house in Nairobi titled Knick Knack Paddy Whack, Who Gives A Bone? I spent a lot of time simply decluttering my parents' house...It is very hard to get rid of stuff in India as the Garbage collection ladies only take limited amounts of garbage out each day...I had to pay a lot of extra money to persuade them that this was a one off and they should cart away whatever we were throwing out, so that it could go for recycling. DO NOT trash your own house in order to save the environment, instead use cloth bags and sign up for soft copies of bills and other monthly documents and donate or sell things you do not need. It seems once your kids leave home, things just have a habit of piling up, regardless of whether you need them or not... Do not let this happen to you, I started my own declutter process more than a decade ago and it is never too early to start. Also do label all important documents and files clearly and boldly. Though my sister and I eventually found everything we needed, it took really long to go through ancient, dusty files. The next generation will be even more short of time than we are and honestly probably short of the patience too, which is truly required to do all this. It is not easy to make ten trips to the concerned office to accomplish one task...
A dear friend's daughter (and a student of mine) pointed out to her mother that in managing all this and wrapping up things before leaving for Nairobi, where was the time to grieve? That is so true...Death ensures one goes on auto pilot until everything that needs to be done has been done...my Dad was a fellow Capricorn, he would have understood...and would have been the first to share this post on FaceBook for his fellow ex army officers and other friends to learn from!
Thank you for saying it so very succinctly.
ReplyDeleteMost of us keep a accumulating not discarding over the years little realising that with future generations doing well, if not better, most of the things will not even be required by them, wasn't the case earlier.
Lack of documentation and will, in particular, can lead to really terrible times for those left behind, a fact often forgotten and postponed for no particular reason.
Hope everything is now in order.
Get your names registered as NOK for your mothers pension account, its permitted and necessary.
Thanks again
Hello Uncle, thank you so much for your comment.Yes, mercifully almost everything is in order now, barring PMC name change!All heirs needed and my sister wasn't in the country by the time we discovered this...Canteen card application done but can be collected by Mom only...Will definitely see about putting NOK in pension account, EPPO also needs to be separately applied for, I think, though I have sent everything to Allahabad and Delhi by post.Thanks again.
DeleteAnupama Didi, how could I miss this!!! I am sure what you have written is 200 percent correct. While ritual wise I have have alrralr experienced the said behaviour, I am yet to experience the financial side of things... Rituals do give you a closure, it's like saying goodbye to soul who departed in hurry without any farewell. But the relatives are mess. Even when my dad's body was undergoing post-martum people were worried if the 10th day ritual can be done on the 3rd day itself so there is no Sutak and people can proceed with work. Life has become so emotion less. I also want write in detail about this.
ReplyDeleteParting in itself is so painful...for the first time in my life I have questioned what is death...what happens when a person dies and after that...I am trying to read and see whatever on the subject. But yes these practical procedures only worsen your trauma. I feel there should be someone who can actually take charge of doing these things and the family should be left alone to grieve.
I will consult with you should I need anymore help. Do let me know as well if there is anything I can help you with.